Some self-reflection
Tuesday, 18 November 2008 00:01![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chibi_oniyuriSo, I haven't been on in a while. Updating with quizzes and memes doesn't count.
I'm in nursing school, as I mentioned a while ago in some post. It's really interesting and fun and...fulfilling, I suppose, is the word I'm looking for.
I'm doing well so far. I get irrationally worried about tests and evaluations and such, and I have one coming up this Thursday that is really causing some stress because, essentially, it will decide whether I pass this semester and move on or not. Not happy times.
It did force me to evaluate my views on myself though. My dad asked me what exactly it was that I was afraid of, when I started ranting and whining on his shoulder about the eval. I stated fear of failure so simply, and yet, when I think about it, it's profound.
I've stated before that I'm my own worst critic, but I never really thought about how deep down it goes. An example: Say, there's an exam worth 100 points. Other people in my class score 85 compared to my 95, but they can perform every skill to the same level that I can. Are they failures? My immediate response is 'no'. Flip the situation to where I have the 85 and they have the 95 and ask whether I am a failure. My immediate response is 'yes'. Some would say that it's because I'm comparing myself to the others and finding myself lacking, but that's not it. In this case, my goal would have been achieving a 90, since that's what I consider an acceptable grade, and the fact that I didn't would bring me down, and I would call myself a failure.
Now, take this and add in years of schooling. I'm aiming for a 98, and I get a 95. Crazily enough, I call myself a failure, despite the fact that it's a great grade. Add in the fact that I was always holding myself to impossible standards. Add in the fact that the first time I chose a university, I picked one that I believed I could fit in at, wound up getting lost in, and withdrew from after nearly two years of attendance. What do I slap on myself? 'Failure.' Actually, make that "FAILURE!!!", repeated ad nauseum. Add in the fact that, when I let my dad know about the decision, he ranted about wasted money and waxed disappointment that I was so fickle and spoiled and homesick. Can you imagine what I heard? "You're a failure, and I wish you weren't."
I've had years of conditioning myself this way. I fully, one-hundred percent believe that, no matter how much effort I put into something, I'll never truly master it, and someone will someday find out that I'm a big fraud, a failure at whatever I've attempted. Is it no wonder that I'm terrified about this evaluation that controls so much of my future? It really doesn't help that, rather than being a written test that is my forte, it's a hands-on, honest-to-goodness evaluation. My instructor is going to lurk in a corner and observe my interactions with the patient, is going to quiz me on every aspect of their medications, is going to critique me on every little thing I do wrong.
If it was just this assignment, I wouldn't feel so bad. It's 150 points out of a class worth 1000. Not so much that it hurts too badly if I do horribly. But, two weeks after is the summative evaluation, where the instructor critiques how we've improved throughout the semester. He's never really viewed me at any other time, so this is going to be his first impression of my skills. And, it's really important that I impress him, because this final evaluation is worth 500 points. It determines whether I pass or fail this class, and ultimately determines whether I continue on in nursing school or not.
Maybe I have some stress? It's possible. Anxiety? Probably. Panic? Whoo boy. Am I considering screaming and running for the hills? Better believe it. Do I really want to give up my dream? Definitely not, and so far that's the only thing that's pushing me onwards.
Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps, now that I've realized this, I can start erasing the damage I've done to myself. After this, I can say, "I'm not a failure," "I can do this," and "I do belong here." Say it enough times and I'll erase the groove that causes me so much self-doubt.
Of course, fail this and it'll reinforce everything I've ever told myself.
Ah-ha-ha....God, this is a never-ending circle. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope the first step to ending it happens this week.
I'm in nursing school, as I mentioned a while ago in some post. It's really interesting and fun and...fulfilling, I suppose, is the word I'm looking for.
I'm doing well so far. I get irrationally worried about tests and evaluations and such, and I have one coming up this Thursday that is really causing some stress because, essentially, it will decide whether I pass this semester and move on or not. Not happy times.
It did force me to evaluate my views on myself though. My dad asked me what exactly it was that I was afraid of, when I started ranting and whining on his shoulder about the eval. I stated fear of failure so simply, and yet, when I think about it, it's profound.
I've stated before that I'm my own worst critic, but I never really thought about how deep down it goes. An example: Say, there's an exam worth 100 points. Other people in my class score 85 compared to my 95, but they can perform every skill to the same level that I can. Are they failures? My immediate response is 'no'. Flip the situation to where I have the 85 and they have the 95 and ask whether I am a failure. My immediate response is 'yes'. Some would say that it's because I'm comparing myself to the others and finding myself lacking, but that's not it. In this case, my goal would have been achieving a 90, since that's what I consider an acceptable grade, and the fact that I didn't would bring me down, and I would call myself a failure.
Now, take this and add in years of schooling. I'm aiming for a 98, and I get a 95. Crazily enough, I call myself a failure, despite the fact that it's a great grade. Add in the fact that I was always holding myself to impossible standards. Add in the fact that the first time I chose a university, I picked one that I believed I could fit in at, wound up getting lost in, and withdrew from after nearly two years of attendance. What do I slap on myself? 'Failure.' Actually, make that "FAILURE!!!", repeated ad nauseum. Add in the fact that, when I let my dad know about the decision, he ranted about wasted money and waxed disappointment that I was so fickle and spoiled and homesick. Can you imagine what I heard? "You're a failure, and I wish you weren't."
I've had years of conditioning myself this way. I fully, one-hundred percent believe that, no matter how much effort I put into something, I'll never truly master it, and someone will someday find out that I'm a big fraud, a failure at whatever I've attempted. Is it no wonder that I'm terrified about this evaluation that controls so much of my future? It really doesn't help that, rather than being a written test that is my forte, it's a hands-on, honest-to-goodness evaluation. My instructor is going to lurk in a corner and observe my interactions with the patient, is going to quiz me on every aspect of their medications, is going to critique me on every little thing I do wrong.
If it was just this assignment, I wouldn't feel so bad. It's 150 points out of a class worth 1000. Not so much that it hurts too badly if I do horribly. But, two weeks after is the summative evaluation, where the instructor critiques how we've improved throughout the semester. He's never really viewed me at any other time, so this is going to be his first impression of my skills. And, it's really important that I impress him, because this final evaluation is worth 500 points. It determines whether I pass or fail this class, and ultimately determines whether I continue on in nursing school or not.
Maybe I have some stress? It's possible. Anxiety? Probably. Panic? Whoo boy. Am I considering screaming and running for the hills? Better believe it. Do I really want to give up my dream? Definitely not, and so far that's the only thing that's pushing me onwards.
Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps, now that I've realized this, I can start erasing the damage I've done to myself. After this, I can say, "I'm not a failure," "I can do this," and "I do belong here." Say it enough times and I'll erase the groove that causes me so much self-doubt.
Of course, fail this and it'll reinforce everything I've ever told myself.
Ah-ha-ha....God, this is a never-ending circle. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope the first step to ending it happens this week.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 18 Nov 2008 07:28 (UTC)It's terrible to have such self-condemnation. I still catch myself at it. [Even when I affirm a negative, at least by now I've examined and qualified it...]
This is the same self-standard my younger sister seems to hold herself to for grades, also. Not a comfortable way to live, I know. I hope you can pass this mark in more ways than one.
(no subject)
Date: 2 Dec 2008 21:12 (UTC)It's taken a while to realize it. Or maybe to acknowledge it? I've always known I was down on myself, but perhaps I never quite realized the extent of it.
However, I do believe I am taking some steps on the road to recovery here. This eval I was worried about? I think I did well enough on it. I was quizzed about a med I honestly thought it was someone else's job to know about, so I hadn't really studied up on it. And the physical assessment I gave a patient ran over the limit by at least 10 minutes. My instructor even told me I was "too thorough". XD
I think I did well enough, though. I'll find out tomorrow what my grade for that assignment, as well as the entire course, is in this private little meeting with the instructor. He's supposed to tell us if, from what he's observed, we'll make good nurses or not, or what we need to improve on to become better nurses.
Anyway, what's up with you? It sounds like you're having fun in the snow, at least.
(no subject)
Date: 9 Dec 2008 23:52 (UTC)Since there isn't a negative followup, I imagine that it was as you thought. :) Good job.
I'm doing well, if woefully behind on updating anyone as to what's been going on--which is usually not much.
Overall.
Yet I still don't know where time goes. It is a great mystery (Or, perhaps merely the result of mismanagement).
My major news is this: as of last Saturday, I am engaged. ^_^ Ryan proposed on our three-year anniversary (well, two days shy of, but we were celebrating it early.)