chibi_oniyuri

I had nothing better to do yesterday than go through the pictures saved to my computer. Went through my userpics file and was amazed at the collection I had.

So, I culled my favorite userpics from the selection I had loaded here, added my favorites that I had saved on file....Now, I have 20 of my favorite userpics loaded. I am most pleased with my current selection. Most pleased.

To make this post actually worth it, I should state something profound.

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I hate Mondays. And I'm wearing the ugliest pair of black shoes I've ever had the displeasure of seeing, but they are probably the most comfortable pair I own, aside from the black slippers that feel like clouds. Honestly. And I've always been more of a comfort versus fashion kinda gal.

Also, so glad that the temps warming up. Last week, we existed in the teens to thirties, depending on which day of the week it was. This week, we get mid-fifties. Oh my god, thank you!!

Assassin's Creed is eating my brain. I think I posted that last time, but I thought I'd restate it, as it still applies. Fanfics, gaming, fanart....

Can't wait for One Piece to get back on a regular schedule. Am still tingling from the awesomeness of the last chapter, and that was how many weeks ago now?

School starts back up next week. Tuesday, to be exact. Can't decide whether I'm excited or not. Oddly enough, it concerns the same point. It's my last semester! Holy shit, it's my last semester!

Also, this time a year from now, I'll most likely be moved out of my parent's house. Heck, half a year from now. This prospect terrifies me. Utterly. I'm paranoid, jump at the tiniest of sounds even when in the house with others. Imagine how much that'll be magnified when I'm all alone in my own residence....Oh jeez, freaking out already. Need to stop that XD

Christmas was good. Gave my dad a jersey of his favorite player. The two hours and three shops visited and crowd fighting was worth it for his reaction. Mom got a blue topaz necklace from me. Brother got The Zombie Survival Guide. In return, I got a guitar, two sets of pajamas, an exercise ball (and yes, I really did want that), the third season of Criminal Minds, a Barnes and Noble gift card (that, for the first time in years, will not be used on textbooks!!), and a new PS2 controller, as mine was spazzing out and randomly saying it wasn't connected to the PS.

Hmm....I think that's it.

I feel like crying. Seriously. Big, fat tears of despair.

Into a new fandom. Assassin's Creed, particularly. This game has consumed me since my brother got it for Christmas, and while I'm not too fond of the overarching plot, the individual ones are intriguing. Naturally, the only place I know of to get a decent amount of fiction to peruse is the pit.

Why? Why?! I want to poke out my eyes every time I see a summary about someone playing their Xbox and getting sucked into the game, or about the main characters being protected by original characters. These are master assassins, people, nearly legends in the assassin line, and I really doubt your rinky-dinky female whose family was murdered two weeks ago can really match the abilities of someone who has years or, in one case, a lifetime of experience. Seriously.

So, one thing I have mused on that is inconsequential.

When reading Harry Potter fanfiction (I know, I know, but there are some good ones...), I tend to focus on Hermione. Just because she's the character I most relate to, so I gravitate towards stories concerning her.

And, I'll admit, I am thoroughly obsessed with romance. So, naturally, I read Hermione pairing fics.

Now, I'll state this right out in the open. No matter how canon it is, I cannot support Ron/Hermione. I'm not one who believes that constant bickering, insults, and jealousy trips make for the best relationship.

Probably one of my favorite pairings is Harry/Hermione. They mesh a little better, in my opinion. Still, I'm not overly fond of the stuff I dig up on ff.net. Mostly, I feel that the authors try to make Harry the big, strong, conquering hero, with Hermione, his sweet, timid, damsel-in-distress, waiting for him back in the castle/flat, despite the fact that she was decently able to take care of herself prior to getting into a relationship with him.

Finally, contradicting my opinions of Ron/Hermione, I can read Draco/Hermione or Severus/Hermione. I even, dare-say-it, enjoy them. Maybe the stories that I choose to read with these pairings hold true to what I feel is Hermione's characterization. Maybe I just prefer the author's style. Maybe I like the image of her with a "bad boy". For whatever reason, I genuinely enjoy these.

All this to say...I don't know. Just...musings. Attempts to analyze why I like what I like. Attempting to distract myself from work, which I am currently at. Pick whichever reason, they're all equally valid.

Woke up this morning with a sore throat, what felt like a golf ball-sized lump of crud in my throat, and my nose stuffed up to kingdom come. Either a pretty quick cold, or allergies on crack.

On the chance it was allergies, took a Benadryl. Will definitely never do that again, as two hours after taking it, I was so drowsy and out of it that I needed to take a midafternoon nap, which is unusual for me. On the other hand, I could suddenly breathe and the crud reduced in size, so it may have been worth it. Tea took care of the sore throat temporarily.

Another point of suckitude today: needed to write a paper. Correction, need to write a paper. Spent most of the morning, as well as three hours yesterday, looking for a suitable article. Finally found it, sent it to the professor for approval at two, crashed for the aforementioned nap, and got up three hours later to find that she still hadn't approved it. A few texts later, I found out she never received an email from me....

Chalking it up to being drugged, I sent the email again, got approval almost instantly, and sat down to start the blasted paper.

Five hours later, I've written a grand total of four sentences, and the paper is due in seven hours. I seriously doubt I'm going to get this done. Either the cold or the Benadryl is making my head fuzzy. I can't concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes. I'm tired as I've ever been after pulling an all-nighter, and I haven't even started the bugger yet.

Does real life come with a reset button? I do not appreciate today, and I'd seriously like to do it over.



Also, the amount of times I've had to fix typos while typing this? Ridiculous. At least I can be glad I caught them before I posted.

You know those days where you just really need to devour one particular fandom, and you think you've covered every scrap of good fanfiction out there, several times over in fact, and you're desperate for something new? So desperate, in fact, that you click on that story with the summary that just screams, "I'll make you poke your eyes out!", even though you know you'll regret it?





I'm there. And I regret it.

So, I'm going through my old emails in my inbox in an attempt to spring-clean (autumn-clean?) it out. Along the way, I found this gem that I wrote to myself back in May of '08.

Today, I was rating and finalizing bills for my company so they can be invoiced and we can get our money. Exciting fun that is. But it’s little gems like this that keep my day going.

“Oroville”.

And my first thought is, “Is that a village where they say ‘Oro’ all the time? A town of Kenshins?”

It still makes me crack up to this day.

AHAHAHA. I have a test in seven and a half hours. What am I doing? Playing Kingdom Hearts. Yes, I fail at life.

In other news, nearly beat Kingdom Hearts on normal level. Got the urge to start over (the reason why I have so many games sitting on my not-finished list), decided that normal was too easy a mode at the same time, and so started an expert new game. Leveled to 20 before leaving Destiny Islands (TOOK FOREVER, LET ME TELL YOU. SELPHIE, YOU AND YOUR TECH POINTS ARE A GODSEND AND A TORTURE ALL AT ONCE).

( Cut for more gamer rambling )

And, in the last bit of news before I head for bed....

SAKJNAOINHAEHJNAEKLYN!!! HOLY COW!!! OP, you get more and more awesome every week! Is it bad to ask for the new chapter already?! >.>

You are a Clueless Uke!

Having a good time is what you're all about. You're satisfied just to have someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with, and are completely oblivious to other's manipulative behavior. You don't expect much, and that can be a good thing. You're perfect prey for the Opportunist Seme, who might take advantage of you, but you probably won't even notice, or really care, as long as you're enjoying yourself.

Most compatible with: Opportunist Seme, Romantic Seme

Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Don't Fuck With Me Seme

What seme or uke are you? Take the experience at SemeUke.com, or find merchandise here.

( Read more of the same here - an more in-depth look )

OK, so....It's been awhile. Actually, that's probably an understatement.

Nursing school is going well, so far. Just finished my second semester, and I'm taking advantage of my two weeks off to catch up on all the things I've missed this semester. Video games, here I come!

As an aside, my oma is in the country for a month, so good food and good times will be had. She's here because my brother is graduating from high school in two weeks. ;_; I feel so old, despite the fact that I'm only four and a half years older....

Anyhow, not sure how much family will be coming to see him walk the stage. I know my German aunt and uncle will not be able to bring their families, because the former is building a new house and has no money and the latter has been affected by the economy and...has no money. Sadly enough, we have tons of family up in Wisconsin as well, so you would think that, hey, distance is much closer, so we'll get tons of family from there!

( Cut for old family drama and rambling musing )

And...uhh...what else?

New manga I've recently picked up: Fairy Tail, Vampire Knight, One Piece (ok, this one's not so new, I've been reading it since New Year's Eve, curses to pi90katana and whiteadelphi and all your talking about how awesome OP is)

New anime I'm watching: err....Skip Beat? One Piece has the same explanation as above.

Anyone else read or watch these and have any comments on them?

So, I haven't been on in a while. Updating with quizzes and memes doesn't count.

I'm in nursing school, as I mentioned a while ago in some post. It's really interesting and fun and...fulfilling, I suppose, is the word I'm looking for.

I'm doing well so far. I get irrationally worried about tests and evaluations and such, and I have one coming up this Thursday that is really causing some stress because, essentially, it will decide whether I pass this semester and move on or not. Not happy times.

It did force me to evaluate my views on myself though. My dad asked me what exactly it was that I was afraid of, when I started ranting and whining on his shoulder about the eval. I stated fear of failure so simply, and yet, when I think about it, it's profound.

I've stated before that I'm my own worst critic, but I never really thought about how deep down it goes. An example: Say, there's an exam worth 100 points. Other people in my class score 85 compared to my 95, but they can perform every skill to the same level that I can. Are they failures? My immediate response is 'no'. Flip the situation to where I have the 85 and they have the 95 and ask whether I am a failure. My immediate response is 'yes'. Some would say that it's because I'm comparing myself to the others and finding myself lacking, but that's not it. In this case, my goal would have been achieving a 90, since that's what I consider an acceptable grade, and the fact that I didn't would bring me down, and I would call myself a failure.

Now, take this and add in years of schooling. I'm aiming for a 98, and I get a 95. Crazily enough, I call myself a failure, despite the fact that it's a great grade. Add in the fact that I was always holding myself to impossible standards. Add in the fact that the first time I chose a university, I picked one that I believed I could fit in at, wound up getting lost in, and withdrew from after nearly two years of attendance. What do I slap on myself? 'Failure.' Actually, make that "FAILURE!!!", repeated ad nauseum. Add in the fact that, when I let my dad know about the decision, he ranted about wasted money and waxed disappointment that I was so fickle and spoiled and homesick. Can you imagine what I heard? "You're a failure, and I wish you weren't."

I've had years of conditioning myself this way. I fully, one-hundred percent believe that, no matter how much effort I put into something, I'll never truly master it, and someone will someday find out that I'm a big fraud, a failure at whatever I've attempted. Is it no wonder that I'm terrified about this evaluation that controls so much of my future? It really doesn't help that, rather than being a written test that is my forte, it's a hands-on, honest-to-goodness evaluation. My instructor is going to lurk in a corner and observe my interactions with the patient, is going to quiz me on every aspect of their medications, is going to critique me on every little thing I do wrong.

If it was just this assignment, I wouldn't feel so bad. It's 150 points out of a class worth 1000. Not so much that it hurts too badly if I do horribly. But, two weeks after is the summative evaluation, where the instructor critiques how we've improved throughout the semester. He's never really viewed me at any other time, so this is going to be his first impression of my skills. And, it's really important that I impress him, because this final evaluation is worth 500 points. It determines whether I pass or fail this class, and ultimately determines whether I continue on in nursing school or not.

Maybe I have some stress? It's possible. Anxiety? Probably. Panic? Whoo boy. Am I considering screaming and running for the hills? Better believe it. Do I really want to give up my dream? Definitely not, and so far that's the only thing that's pushing me onwards.

Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps, now that I've realized this, I can start erasing the damage I've done to myself. After this, I can say, "I'm not a failure," "I can do this," and "I do belong here." Say it enough times and I'll erase the groove that causes me so much self-doubt.

Of course, fail this and it'll reinforce everything I've ever told myself.

Ah-ha-ha....God, this is a never-ending circle. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope the first step to ending it happens this week.